Published in Children’s Voice, Volume 34, Number 2

by Ellen Notbohm

“You can never go home again, but the truth is
you can never leave home, so it’s alright.”
~Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou’s words, always affecting, are especially heartening to me now. After writing this column for 20 years, I’ve found that Children’s Voice has become very much a home to me. Good to know that I can never leave—even as the time has come to do so.

Never have I seen times so challenging in which to do the work we do. I step aside now knowing how much I’ll miss CV, but also buoyant about making way for new energy. Much of that energy must come from the compelling new generation of self-advocates. The children I started writing about in 2004 are now adults, strident and articulate about their lived experiences in education and community. They’re the true experts. Never has it been more incumbent upon us to listen more than we talk and to learn more than we teach.

One of the more indispensable things my autistic son and I have learned together is that in most situations, we have a startling breadth of choice, even when we think we have none. “I had no choice” is seldom true, and that empowering truth shapes the final thoughts I want to leave with you.

My thoughts on the power of choice crystallized unexpectedly. One of my son’s college instructors had compiled a one-sheet of strategies for passing a multiple-choice test. I immediately saw the parallel: Parenting or teaching an autistic child is like having to pass an everlasting multiple-choice test. Reading the handout, I realized that most of the strategies were ones I’d cultivated over the years to identify a broad range of choices in any situation. Because of this, I rarely felt stuck or stumped in tricky situations. The fusion point where recognizing the full range of choice joins forces with our ability to choose creates a set of formidable power tools—simple, timeless, perpetually abundant, and free.

Know the material.
Knowing a child’s specific needs empowers you to reject “this is the way it’s always done” approaches. It also means knowing and respecting your own risk tolerance, and the pace at which you best process cognitive and emotional information.

Frame choices within The Big Picture.
Every choice we face happens within the context of a bigger picture. Applying the “Does it matter?” test (a.k.a. choosing your battles) can greatly reduce the load of choices you must make, because a startling amount of the time, the honest answer to “does it matter?” is no.

Identify the broadest range of choices.
Realize that even when you feel you’ve exhausted the options, there are probably more choices. Enlist the help of others you trust to brainstorm with you. Wherever possible and appropriate, include the child in the discussion. The perspective of even very young children can be acutely on target.

Apply common sense.
Common sense isn’t something we’re born with. We learn it through the aggregation of experiences—both ours and those of others. It’s the ability to understand and make sound decisions about practical matters large and small through an alchemy of observation, perception, reflection, evaluation and cognition. When honed, it’s one of those most potent tools in our decision-making cache.

Reposition choices as true-or-false questions.
Reframing the choices as true or false may reveal your answer. Example: “XYZ therapy is always useful (or ‘best’) for autistic children.” Reframed: “True or false: XYZ therapy would be beneficial for this child.”

Beware of absolutes.
“Always” and “never” are extremes that seldom apply. It only takes one exception to negate an always or a never.

Use the process of elimination.
Keep choices in context. Approaches that impose excessive burdens on budgets, schedules, space, or patience can’t realistically be sustained. Evaluate as objectively as possible whether the expected benefit of such choices is realistic and/or worth it.

Make an educated guess.
Sometimes you’ll have to make a choice before you’re finished gathering info. Assemble the resources you do have and use them (pro/con lists can be helpful) to factor in what you know to be your own abilities, strengths, and limitations. Consider which choices meet the bar for common sense.

Ignore distractors.
“Some answers are designed to mislead you,” the tip sheet warns. Distractors can include scare tactics, small sample “studies,” pressure to participate in “everyone does it” activities, people who dismiss or sabotage your goals, “must-have!” gadgets or treatments that ring of hucksterism. Establish parameters and stay focused on the task at hand. Set incremental, achievable goals, prioritizing them to avoid overload and overlap. Distance yourself from toxic people and situations.

“Look for the oddball.”
I flinched at this when I first read this. But giving it a broad definition yields the perspective that the one, unusual solution that’s overlooked or isn’t feasible for most situations might be the one that works best for yours.

Pace yourself.
Be realistic in setting time frames; build in buffers that assume everything will take longer than you think.

One of the best things about these power tools is that they’re transferable. When mastered, we can then instill them in our children. What more valuable a legacy can we give them than the capacity to assess and embrace every opportunity to reach and enjoy the meaningful adulthood that is the birthright of every child.

With gratitude and bright hope for all my Children’s Voice family,
Ellen

Ellen Notbohm’s work touches millions in more than 25 languages. She is author of the nonfiction classic Ten Things Every Child with Autism Wishes You Knew and three other books on autism, the acclaimed novel The River by Starlight, and numerous short fiction and nonfiction pieces appearing in literary journals, magazine, and anthologies. Her books and short prose have won more than 40 awards worldwide. Learn more at ellennotbohm.com.