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The Voices of Adult Korean Adoptees
Madelyn Freundlich
The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute
On September 9-12, 1999, almost 400 Korean adoptees came
together in Washington, DC to gather for the first time in the history
of international adoption. At this First International Gathering of
Korean Adoptees, adults who had been adopted from Korea between 1956 and
1985 met other Korean adoptees, discussed their adoption experiences,
explored together issues of culture and ethnicity, and connected with
their Korean heritage. Their voices offer adoption professionals and
adoptive parents a remarkable opportunity for learning - and for
improving international adoption practice in the future.
These adults who experienced the first transracial adoptees in
the United States and Europe articulated key messages, highlighting
complex ethnic identity issues they "faced" - expressly by one adoptee
as being "a white person in an Asian body". Seventy-one percent of the
adoptees grew up in small towns or rural areas where they often were the
only non-white persons in their communities, their schools, and their
social circles. While many adoptees felt a profound sense of
"differentness," some maintained that they felt "just like everyone
else." Many described a sense of "not fitting in," which was further
exacerbated when they traveled to Korea and realized they did not "fit
into" Korean society either. Adoptees repeatedly emphasized that the
experience of coming together at the Gathering was of tremendous value
and meaning. For some adoptees, it was the first opportunity to meet
other Korean adoptees; for others - particularly those who had felt they
were "unattractive" because of their Asian features - the sea of
beautiful Korean faces provided validation and self-appreciation.
Of the adoptees at the Gathering, 70% reported experiencing
racial discrimination. Many adoptees said that they did not turn to
their parents when confronted with racial discrimination, and many who
sought their parents' help found that their parents were ill prepared to
help them cope with racial discrimination. Although they expressed an
understanding of their parents' uncertainty, adoptees were nonetheless
frustrated by such parent comments as "Well, we think that you are
wonderful." Most adoptees benefited when their parents shared their
pain and anger and listened to the hurt without attempting to give their
children the "answer."
The adoptees' experiences with racial discrimination led to a
discussion as to how that reality could be dealt with more effectively.
The adoptees highlighted the importance of living in multi-cultural
communities where they would have role models who reflect their cultural
heritage; the critical role of families' appreciation of diversity; and
the value of mentoring - particularly in a group environment - to help
adoptees and their families understand the issues that they are likely
to encounter and the diverse ways in which adoptees experience and deal
with these issues.
The adoptees recognized that their parents were the first
generation of international adopters and, as a result, were not as well
prepared or equipment as adoption parents of today to understand or deal
with discrimination and other issues that would affect their children.
Some adoptees, however, expressed concern that the pendulum has swung
too far: the current group of adoptive parents may be overly involved
in promoting their children's cultural and ethnic connections or
incorporating their children's ethnic identity into their own. While
adoptees stated they appreciated that their parents provided them with
connections to their Korean heritage as they were growing up, they did
not see culture camps assuaged the painful aspects of growing up
"different." Adoptees found the most support in their parents' steady
interest in Korean culture which allowed them, as they grew up, to cycle
in and out of a personal interest in their Korean heritage. Of critical
importance to the adoptees was their parents' appreciation of and
respect for the meaningfulness of their cultural connections - not just
in a concrete way (as in collecting art or mementos from Korea) but in
the "heart and mind."
Some adoptees who were adopted at older ages described a
difficult transition period involving a sense of loss for what they had
left behind and fear - and, in some cases, terror -- as they entered new
families in a new country. Many described feelings of confusion as
children but, as adults, stated that they had made sense of these
experiences in important ways. Many adoptees, both those adopted as
infants and at older ages, focused on their grasp of the concept, "What
if?" and were clear that they would not have had the happy and
productive lives that they now have if they had not been adopted. The
"what if" question was also explored in the context of the international
nature of the Gathering - leading many adoptees to wonder about the
other ways in which their adoptions might have taken place. Might they,
by some twist of fate, have been speaking English with a Danish accent?
The issue of gratitude for the fact of adoption surfaced often.
Some adoptees shared perceptions that their parents, either directly or
implicitly, conveyed to them that they
should be grateful to them for having adopted them. Adoptees described
wrestling with true feelings of gratitude for their parents and, at the
same time, a sense of loss for their Korean heritage. Many adoptees
felt comfortable expressing their gratitude to their adoptive families;
others wondered how much gratitude should be expressed and how much was
"enough."
In general, loss was expressed more in relation to a
disconnection from heritage than from birth parents. A stronger
interest was expressed in connecting to Korean culture than in
connecting with family members in Korea. With regard to interest in
searching for their birth families, adoptees were quite divided. Many
adoptees highlighted the need to be emotionally prepared for a return to
Korea, while some cautioned that adoptees may take homeland tours too
early. These adoptees urged their peers to move cautiously, progress
slowly and think carefully about undertaking a return to Korean and,
particularly, a search for birth family.
Obtaining information about possibly contacting the birth
family, however, was a topic widely discussed. Most adoptees focused
their interests on their birth mothers, leading some to comment on the
absence of discussion about birth fathers. There were concerns
expressed about how to respond when a birth parent initiates a search,
with the sentiment of some being that they preferred to initiate the
search on their own. Other adoptees raised issues as to what happens
after an adoptee finds his or her birth family, particularly with regard
to the nature of that relationship.
There was agreement on the part of the Gathering participants
that the voices of adult adoptees are vital to an understanding of the
adoption experience and that, as a result, adult adoptees should be
integrated into adoption agencies' programs as board members, staff,
advisors, and as a source of information and understanding for
prospective adoptive parents. Whether provided through personal or
video presentations, the experiences and perspectives of adult adoptees
can enrich adoptive parents' understanding of the issues that they and
their children are likely to confront. As participants in developing
and implementing agency programs and services, adult adoptees can
provide agencies with a firm understanding of the adoption experience
and support efforts to shape services in ways that best serve the needs
and interests of adoptees. The voices of the Korean adult adoptees at
the Gathering were rich with the wisdom of experience, and offer to
professionals and adoptive parents alike guideposts to the future.
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